If you follow my Instagram account, you will find carefully curated pictures of beautiful vegan food that (for the most part) I’ve made myself. Pretty much everyone thinks that my meals are all served on beautiful white dishes with carefully placed food that can make your mouth water. Truth is, most days I am eating (read snacking) on some store-bought carb as I try to juggle between all the duties and responsibilities of being that perfect mom to my little cranio warrior. Social media allows people like me to show our highlight reels as if they were our everyday lives. It provides perfectionists just one more way to show that they are amazing.
Now, not only do I strive to make my real life “perfect”, but with every new role that I take on, I have to add a new set of criteria to that list. It is much easier to be the perfect student at 13, than to now, at 32, be the perfect --spouse-mom-daughter-sister-friend-woman-Christian-friend-neighbour etc… and what does that even mean? What does that look like?
I’ll tell you – countless hours of planning, organizing, reading, calendars, schedules. Phone calls, home-cooked healthy vegetarian meals, being emotionally available, playdates, play groups and the perfect pair of overalls and shoes for my son. Hair that blows in the wind, dresses and jeans that glide over the good curves and hide the bad ones. Shiny cutlery and stemware. Showing up at events with a smile on my face. Going above and beyond on so many tasks and receiving accolades along the way.
But, some days it also looks like – not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, feeling anxious when you get phone calls, emails, or texts from people you may not have heard from in awhile, saying yes to things you really should be saying no to, loads of clean laundry that I haven’t folded, scrolling through social media feeds while (sorta hiding) in the bathroom. Yoga pants and ponytails. 5 extra pounds (okay, make that like 15). Toys all over the family room. Arguing with my husband because I’ve decided to put the house (and it being clean) over spending quality time together. Not trying new things because I am too afraid that I will not be good at it. Being paralysed by indecision. Feeling like I’m not enough. Feeling guilty for not being perfect. Crying over it.
Of course, that’s what it looks like to me –you would never see that me. I mean, maybe I’m over-reacting. There is nothing wrong with trying to be perfect, is there? We should have goals, shouldn’t we? We should strive to be the best we can be, right? The thing is, life is never perfect. We can try to orchestrate and plan and organize all we want – but the reality is, that it will leave us feeling hopeless. I know this –and that’s why I am trying to not let my perfectionism get the best of me. The world needs me. Not the Instagram-worthy me, but the real (sometimes insecure) version of me. After all, I am the only person out there who can do me, perfectly.
Sueann is a recovering perfectionist, master procrastinator, avid worrier and skillful organizer. She is a creative, strong-willed, people pleaser with fears of failure and of success.
New mom to an awesome and tenacious cranio warrior, wife of a marketing genius, event manager turned creator and blogger for Scars & Crowns.
Lover of sweets, food photography, and culture.
Struggling to find her purpose in this journey called life, while helping others find theirs.