Bloody Nikes on the odd little table

i was 15 when i first wanted to die.


i heard my heartbeat through my ears

each night i tried lying on my stomach

but it just didn’t feel right.

me, hiding from the world and

dammit

i missed my period 9 years ago

and my life became one big run on sentence ever since.

iwishiwastakingmylastbreathandnotyou.

the moment after i took the pregnancy test

i knew that i would be doomed.

this was the second worst day of life for me,

ever.


it’s so hard for me to try and find the right words to say

i’m so sorry we never got the chance to meet

i have an image of you

in my mind.

an image,

something i’ll never let go of.

i’ll do nothing but wish you were here.


just one mistake

your fetus defeated me.

a boy or girl, i’ll never know.

the love i had for you?

i will never be able to show

but i wrote this to show you that i care.

this pain,

the hurt,

sometimes i cannot bare.

i wonder what life would be like if i kept you.

it was a such a tough decision to make at 15 years old


“do it.”

it’s your choice.

“just do it.”

no, it’s your choice.

“you will never think about it again.”

but it’s still your choice.

“i did it…”

yea, i’m just telling you. but it’s your choice.

“you won’t feel anything.” but…the choice is yours.

“you’re too young to raise a baby.”

but, you have to make up your mind.

“god will forgive you.”

do it.


seeing you through that screen beating for your life hurt me to my core

you opened your heart to me and now my heart pumps with regret

words will never define the darkness

of how letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life

and if this is what they meant by you learn from your mistakes then i have a triple phd.

i’ll never learn from this shit.

i love you

i could apologize for the vicious attack you endured because of me

but it wont make it right.

you deserved more than what you would have received from me at that moment in my life


i cannot forget the pieces of you that fell off of my body.

how do you deal with your child being stranded when you caused the eviction?

i didn’t know that when you died, i would too.

how could something so painful be so recommended?

-just do it

i lost my dignity

i lost my fearlessness

trying to live with the weight of death on my shoulders

i felt disgusting in a world full of living things

being smothered by the painful reminders

that i am a murderer  

it is dark now

i cannot get the sun back

yet

no one saw the darkness surrounding me

and i’ve been praying for the ceasefire of my spirit ever since

i cannot breathe through these lungs anymore

a piece of my soul was removed

how am i still here?

-bloody nikes hurt my feet


it is hard to say that i am alive

when there is an empty space where my baby used to live

you are supposed to be here with me

yet

i let my miracle slip through the cracks of my portal of consent


i allowed my womb to become a tomb

i still let the tears you would have cried

come alive in my eyes

abortion is not freedom

abortion is not love

and

everytime it rains

i picture you crying from the sky

i was impregnated with broken dreams

and yes

i still had the milk around my mouth

but being ‘just a baby’ does not give you the right to abort your own


the doctor told me  that your heartbeat could not be heard

you were too small

the size of a thumb

and it was okay to proceed with the murder

[page]

if all babies go to heaven then all hitmen go to hell.

[page]

no one was there to hold my hand during the abortion

whore

baby killer

abortion is not an easy fix

it is destroying


could you raise a child to be your favorite mistake?

will you have an answer when my son asks where his father is?

i raped my baby of his voice

this is why i choose to speak


--

She is Author Queen Lattifa Bryant. She is a SPEAK enthusiast who encourages women to command their voices to speak freely about internal pain, such as childhood trauma, relationship trauma, emotional abuse, abortion, miscarriage, and negative-self talk. She is the creator of SPEAK, a radical approach to self-love; and I developed a five step plan from the word “speak”, moments after she found herself wearing a spiritual muzzle on her mouth, which forced her into silence about her experience with depression, and narcissistic abuse. Her goal through SPEAK is to offer women a better approach to owning their trauma identity. Someone's breakthrough is locked in your testimony sis....SPEAK!!!


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